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How I passed a Urine Test Posted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 9:33 pm
Thought you guys might find this amusing/informative...
So, new job and they urine test for drugs when you sign up. I'd had a smoke two weeks before and I wasn't game to try the drink-shit-loads-of-water method - I'd Googled it and the jury was still out. I didn't want to blow it as it was a great job offer.
I got a kit off the internet, it had a small IV bag, some tubing with a valve, a syringe and a couple of chemical heating pads. Oh yeah, and some rubber gloves, mmm, rubber gloves...
Anyhow, I got some clean piss of a mate the night before - he's a national level sportsman and occasionally gets tested, so he's not a user. I kept the piss in the fridge overnight.
The next day I loaded up the IV bag using the syringe, then taped the bag high on my inner thigh with surgical tape. I had to re do it a couple of times - I was checking to see if it was visible when I was standing in my daks. You can't tape too tightly or it cuts in and shows through your underwear. Tape sure does stick to pubic hair - owww! I taped the tubing to the underside of my cock. Oh yes, this was turning out to be a strange day...
I wasn't going to bother about the heat pads, but decided to use one at the last minute. I taped it on top of the bag. This turned out to be a good move, as you'll see.
I went to the local Medlab for the test. I was escorted to a private cubicle by a nurse. First up was filling out the paperwork, signing a form and three little stickers they use to seal the samples. The nurse was a nice middle aged woman, and we chatted while she filled out the forms. I was trying to be cool, and self-conscious about not talking too much - the way nervous people do.
The nurse escorted me to a toilet, I had to leave the door ajar, but she stayed outside so she could listen. Normally there's something slightly erotic about nurses and being partially naked, but this was just nerve wracking... I was pretty relieved (no pun intended) she didn't watch or pat me down or anything.
I unzipped and whipped it out. I squeezed the valve to start the flow - using one hand to hold the cup and one to apply pressure to the bag. Looking down I noticed there's a thermometer strip on the cup, and saw my piss (well, my mates piss, it you want to be picky) was at 33 deg. I know normal body temp is around 37, so now I'm slightly worried...
I had enough donated piss in the bag to squirt some into the toilet, trying to make it sound realistic. All done - I close the valve and tuck myself back into my pants. I flush the toilet and open the door fully and hand the sample to the nurse. She immediately looks at the cup to note the temperature. I don't know if I imagined it, but she seemed to think it was a little unusual. That could have been paranoia on my part, but I trust my instincts and my level of worry ratchets up a couple more notches.
We head back to the cubicle where she completes the paperwork. I managed to see the form and noticed she'd ticked the "OK Temperature box" - the acceptable range was listed as 30 - 40 deg. Thank fuck I'd used the heater pad!
That was it, I'd made it. Again, trying to be cool, I didn't let on at the relief I felt and just chatted while she poured my sample into three plastic test tubes and sealed them into bags with the stickers we had both signed. I had to watch the whole thing so I could sign another form to agree that my sample hadn't been tampered with.
So that was it. Not a fun experience by any measure, but I got the job and felt good I'd put one over The System. I hope this is informative for anyone who needs to pass a urine test. God bless the internet!
Joined: Oct 12, 2003 Posts: 400 Location: Otepoti, Te Wai Pounamu
Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 12:38 am
I'm quite morally opposed to being piss tested in the work place, and I wouldn't want to work for any employer who felt the need to do it.
Urine testeing is a little too "big brother"ish for me. It pries way more into your own private life than what they need to know.
My opinion is if you apply for a job that wants to do piss testing, be up front about it. Personally, I'd say, I'll save you the money for the test and tell you right now that I smoke cannabis occasionally. But I give you my word that I will not, nor do I have any desire to be stoned or in posession of cannabis at work. You can sobriety test me at work if you like to make sure that I am sober, but why should it matter if I had a cone with a couple of mates in the weekend?
My theory is any employer should respect that kind of honesty, and if they don't accept that argument to let you not get piss tested, then they can go f*ck themselves anyway, the employer is not a moral agent to decide what is right and wrong. If they want to piss test for pot they should also blood test for traces of alcohol.
But good on you bro for dodging the system, thats another way to go, it just involves a little more effort and preparation. I remember seeing actual fake dicks for sale in high times or something, you could get them in 3 or 4 different skin tones, lol. Pretty rude that there are some test centres where they'll actually watch you whip out your dong to make sure it's legit. How are employers getting away with this? Its shocking.
I'm quite morally opposed to being piss tested in the work place, and I wouldn't want to work for any employer who felt the need to do it.
Urine testeing is a little too "big brother"ish for me. It pries way more into your own private life than what they need to know.
My opinion is if you apply for a job that wants to do piss testing, be up front about it. Personally, I'd say, I'll save you the money for the test and tell you right now that I smoke cannabis occasionally. But I give you my word that I will not, nor do I have any desire to be stoned or in posession of cannabis at work. You can sobriety test me at work if you like to make sure that I am sober, but why should it matter if I had a cone with a couple of mates in the weekend?
My theory is any employer should respect that kind of honesty, and if they don't accept that argument to let you not get piss tested, then they can go f*ck themselves anyway, the employer is not a moral agent to decide what is right and wrong. If they want to piss test for pot they should also blood test for traces of alcohol.
But good on you bro for dodging the system, thats another way to go, it just involves a little more effort and preparation. I remember seeing actual fake dicks for sale in high times or something, you could get them in 3 or 4 different skin tones, lol. Pretty rude that there are some test centres where they'll actually watch you whip out your dong to make sure it's legit. How are employers getting away with this? Its shocking.
Yeah, in an ideal world I would have had the balls to state my case, but I really wanted the job and couldn't risk it... Still, I beat them at their own game. They only do the one test when you sign up - no random testing or anything.
I can see where they are coming from - they see it as a safety issue - there's some heavy industrial machinery where I work and they don't want stoned employees getting limbs torn off or anything. It's the same as not wanting people showing up pissed at work.
But I agree with your point of view too, who are they to say what I do in my own time? If there was a test that could say whether you'd smoked that day it would be better.
It's unfair that if I went out for lunch and had a few bevvies with a meal, people would laugh it off. If I came back from lunch stoned I'd get fired
I saw those fake cock rigs when I was researching on the Web. Apparently pro sportsmen in the States use them as they have to be witnessed actually pissing out their cocks to stop people using the same set-up I used for my test. One pro basketball player got caught going using one, that's gotta be a close inspection. Maybe he ordered the wrong colour!
Cool Paul you are the man, it is good to know it works, especially the details that the temperature tick box says 30-40 degrees.
If employers were to be consistent, then they would somehow test for alcohol use for the period of 1 week or so, and not accept any positives for employment!
I hate it how stoners are always on the back-foot having to explain why they should be allowed to smoke dope. I haven't heard any good explanations to date; anyone?
Joined: Dec 16, 2006 Posts: 62 Location: New Zealand
Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:37 pm
LOL wow thats alot of hassle to pass a test.
We used a product like Niacin which is a B-12 Complex to detoxify the body. It works but turns you beet red for a good few hours. Not good to take if your at work. You usually take this stuff for a few days and drink lots of Cranberry juice.
I don't know if it is sold here but there is a drink that does the same called Sonne no. 7 its a detoxifying agent.
I have heard that echinacea may work but Im not sure about the reliability factor.
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